MRI or not ...

             An MRI machine is not very big? who knew?

Yesterday I was supposed to have an MRI, after being poked and prodded all afternoon. I apparently am claustrophobic...I couldn't do it. When they closed the cage over my face and slide me into the tube I got panicky. I asked her to take me back out!! She said it was a common occurrence and not to worry, but I did worry and I felt really bad, like I was going to get in trouble... I'm 56 not 6!! lol

Thank goodness the doctor is willing to put me a sleep prior to surgery and do it just before surgery Friday! What a relief!! Thank you Dr. Spetzler!!

Mom's Famous Potato Soup

My mom's famous soup recipe.
In a pan melt a stick of butter on medium and sweat a whole yellow onion to soften, you don't want any color on the onion. Cube 6-8 potatoes and add to pan. Salt and pepper to taste and add water to cover the potatoes, kick up the heat. When potatoes are fork tender add a can of condensed milk. Add the drop dumplings into the boiling soup, while stirring the pot in a circular motion. Dumpling ingredients: 2 cups flour, salt and pepper to your taste and 4 eggs. Do not mix too much as they will get tough, all the flour doesn't have to incorporated as it will work as a thickener, but most of it should be. You just make them all sizes and just drop them off the spoon or with your hand. The dumplings will rise to the top in minutes. Then the soup is done. We usually let it cool just a bit before eating,

Yes Arnold I do have a Toomer!! lol

Well, next Friday I will have surgery, performed by this man. If you think about it, it's kind of wierd to meet someone once and decide what he is telling you is in your best interests. But that is what happened. Tuesday we had an appointment with Dr. Spetzler and he stated my tumor has to come out. No ifs, ands or buts... he stated if it didn't I would lose my ability to speak soon. Now I know there are a few Home/Visiting teachers who might say that was poetic justice, after I had talked their ears off!! He told me I could get a second opinion, but I said I had prayed about it and knew he was the doctor for me. He said he was glad I'd gone to the "Boss". So the good news is, the tumor is not actually in my brain, it is in the fluid around my brain, is quite large and is pushing my brain around. Dr. Spetzler stated it is most likely benign and I have probably had it for a long time. So that is the update I promised... Before my surgery I just want to tell everyone I love them, and that means you! And to thank you all for your prayers and good wishes!! I'll see you on the flip side!! Love, Robin

Robert F. Spetzler, MD, FACS
Director, Barrow Neurological Institute
J. N. Harber Chair of Neurological Surgery
Chair, Division of Neurological Surgery
Director, Neurological Research

Dr. Robert Spetzler is a world-renowned neurosurgeon who specializes in cerebrovascular disease and skull base tumors. He has been involved in pioneering the technique of hypothermia and cardiac arrest for the treatment of difficult brain lesions. He has been honored many times by professional societies, including the American College of Surgeons and the Congress of Neurological Surgeons. In 1994 Dr. Spetzler was chosen to be the Honored Guest of Congress of Neurological Surgeons. At age 49 he was the youngest recipient of this prestigious honor.

Dr. Spetzler was born in Stierhoefstetten, Germany, and moved to the United States at the age of 11. He received his Bachelor of Science degree from Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois, and his MD from Northwestern Medical School, Chicago, Illinois. His postgraduate training was completed at Wesley Memorial Hospital–Northwestern in Chicago, Illinois. He completed a residency in neurosurgery at the University of California, San Francisco. He received board certification in September 1979 from the American Board of Neurological Surgery.

In 1983 Dr. Spetzler left his position as Associate Professor of Neurosurgery at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland, Ohio, to assume the Chair in the Division of Neurological Surgery at Barrow. He has been the Director of Barrow since 1986. He is also a Professor of Surgery, Section of Neurosurgery, at University of Arizona College of Medicine in Tucson, Arizona.

Dr. Spetzler has published more than 300 articles and 180 book chapters in the neuroscience literature. He has co-edited a number of neurosurgical textbooks, including the Color Atlas of Microneurosurgery. He is on the review board of several neuroscience journals and is Editor-in-Chief of the Barrow Quarterly and Skull Base: An Interdisciplinary Approach.

Yes, we moved to Arizona???

                No this is not Chicago, this is Tempe Arizona!

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate hot weather. So you may ask, "Why did you and Hill move to Arizona??" That sir is a good question...

Most of you know Hillary served a mission for our church here in Mesa AZ, Spanish speaking. And she has been home a little over a year. Since returning home we have experienced some very traumatic events in our lives. Maybe I should make a list?

1. First week home my Aunt Evelyn passed away. She had an aneurysm in the doctors office and never regained consciousness. She is still sorely missed.

2. In that same week my mother was hospitalized, and this has been ongoing from that time. She is continually in and out of the hospital and the ER. She was finally diagnosed as having Alzheimer's.

3. In July just after Hill got home I was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer. In August of 2011 I had surgery in Sacramento CA. I was very blessed as the cancer was caught early and didn't require chemo nor radiation. However, during my surgery I was infected with E coli, and was readmitted to the hospital in Fresno a week later. I spent another week in the hospital and ended up having a systemic reaction to a drug they were using and had a red welt over most of my body when I was released. I had to have my incision cut open and left open to heal from the inside out. Hill had to pack my wound twice a day for 9 months. And there were  other things she had to do for me, like cover my entire body with a serum twice a day as well...and the list goes on, there really was no dignity left.

4. On Thanksgiving day Hill's father was found in his home, he had passed away. There was a lot of issues regarding this that Hill as his child had to take care of, from paying for his funeral to shutting down his business. It was really a very traumatic time. The only blessing in this was, Hill and her father were in a good place in their relationship. Something I encouraged and was very happy about. Even he and I were in a good place, I had forgiven him and actually had dinner with him with Hill the Friday before his death.

5. Hill is almost finished with her Biology degree, and prior to leaving on her mission had been excepted to Fresno States program and had an internship. However when she returned the state budget had been cut and she could not get the classes she needed to complete her degree in Fresno.

So back to our story.

Hillary got a pretty good job in Fresno which was a great blessing to us, and also a stumbling block to her progression. She received some really good training as an Optician. She also worked with people she loved. But she did not want to be doing this work when she was 50, and never complete her degree. So she and I spent a good deal of time weighing the Pro's and Con's of moving to complete her education somewhere other than Fresno. We then took our decision to the Lord and knew without a doubt we needed to move so she could complete her degree.

Being Latter Day Saints we just thought BYU in Provo. We have many friends there and would love to live close to Salt Lake City and be able to attend Conference on a regular basis. We had our life in Provo planned. We were going to live with a dearly beloved cousin and our home would be a meeting place for "Card Nights" and "Movie Nights" and Sunday dinners with family and friends!! Doesn't that sound like a life anyone would be looking forward too? We were really looking forward to it!!!

But after a month of trying to find a place to live in Provo and having no luck, Hillary was distraught. As the time to move grew closer and we had no where to live Hill was starting to second guess the answer we had received when we prayed. This is how the adversary works, he tries to undermine what you know when everything doesn't fall right into place easily. I told her God had let us know the decision to move was a good one, and that He would provide a place for us.

A friend kept telling Hill she needed to attend ASU in Arizona. I kept saying "No" we are moving to Provo! The same friend made her promise to look up ASU online and then decide. Man was I out numbered on this one!! She did keep her promise and looked ASU up and it was like a light lit up her face. I could see she was excited at the opportunities ASU offered her. My heart was sinking, I hate the heat...ASU offers 10 majors in the field of biology, and there are 7 majors for the next year and internships galore. One internship is in Ecuador and she is Spanish speaking. I knew I was doomed at that point. But before we made such a big decision as to change where we were moving 3 days before we moved, we knew we had to take our decision to the Lord and ask him if this is where He would have us go. I was still holding out hope for Provo. Upon the end of a long session of prayer where Hill was voice and I was voice it was very clear we were to move to Mesa AZ. I petulantly said, "No Provo." Well, when we got to AZ we actually settled in Tempe which is where ASU is located.

Usually in your life when you make a life changing decision, it may be years before you see the Lord's hand in your new circumstances. In this instances we saw two very significant signs that we had made the right decision.

The second week we were in AZ I woke up to a very swollen face, I in fact looked like a very Cute Old Gargoyle, my nickname to a few Missionaries and Hill. After an early morning call to Kaiser my health insurance company, they told me to go to an urgent care for treatment. So by 8:30 am I was in an urgent care and had seen a doctor who had determined it was an infection possibly in my sinus or from a tooth. He didn't feel comfortable just giving me antibiotics so he ordered a CT scan. In a matter of minutes I had been given a shot in my backside and three prescriptions, yes right there in the urgent care. I didn't have to go to a pharmacy, what a concept!! So by 10:00 am I had seen a doctor and was in the process of having a CT scan. By 11:30 am the doctor called me to say, "the infection would be cleared up by the antibiotics he had given me, and oh by way there was a secondary finding you have a brain tumor." The doctor called me 4 times that day to give me recommendations for Neurosurgeons. So if I had been home Kaiser would have just sent me home with antibiotics and been done with it. So now I have changed insurance and will soon be seeing a Neurosurgeon, I'll update you when I know more.

And the second item that says to us, "You are where the Lord would have you be", is Hill got a job with an eye care corporation in the second week of being here also. She started yesterday and she was offered a promotion the same day she began!! More money and she loves the work. She will also have insurance in 3 months and other benefits.

So I know we are where we are supposed to be for now and we are praying for all whom we left behind to come visit us soon!!!

Motherhood is my greatest calling ever...

In November of 1986, when I was 11 months pregnant, yes I said 11 months pregnant, the doctor decided finally to take Hillary through C section. Because I had an infection they had held off taking her until it was in check. The night she was born they told me I would probably die that night. They were right I did... I met the Savior that night and was given the chance to come back and raise Hillary. As the nurses and doctors were shoving tubes and needles every were in a frantic rush to save my life, I remember the last thing I said, "I thank you Father for my life". A nurse close to me said, "What did she say"?...

The doctors were so sure she was going to be ill they had a doctor from Valley Childrens Hospital in the delivery room and a helicopter on the roof waiting to transport her at birth!! However, when she was delivered, she was pink and beautiful and screaming to beat the band!! The doctor who was waiting was so thrilled she wasn't ill he took her and cleaned her up and did all of the new born tests himself. The nurses said he wouldn't give her up.

I felt compelled to write this down today. In this blog on my journey through motherhood.

Over the last 25 years our lives have been a roller coaster of joys and trials, some worse than others. She has amazed me with her intellect, she read on her own at age 3. She became my hero when at 12 she had major surgery on her spine and walked out of the hospital 6 days later having only taken one dose of pain medicine after the surgery. She became my life line when at age 11 she was my nurse for 13 months, having to pack my open wound from surgery twice a day. She is truly the kindest person I know, she has always counseled all of her friends calling them all "sweetie", and never has said anything unkind to or about another person.

We had a particularly sore trial when she was 19, we found out she had a sister who was 5 months older than her. It was the only time in her life she was lost... Hill hates lies, so much so she stomped her foot in front of me at age 6 for over an hour wanting to know if Santa was real... When she found out about her dad's child with another woman she felt like her whole life had been a lie. For a short time she was someone I didn't know. But the Lord placed some amazing people in her life and they loved her unconditionally. Most importantly she had an amazing Bishop who loved her and believed in her.

After that time she became even stronger. She is the strongest woman I know, she can take anything and has. I'm not saying she does it on her own, because she does not, she does it by spending lots of time on her knees in supplication to her Father in Heaven. She served a valiant mission in Mesa Arizona Spanish speaking, and she loves the people of AZ so much.

After her mission we have had many more sore trials but I won't list them here, anyone reading this blog already knows what they are, because I'm not shy about sharing my life with anyone. Smile. Much to Hill's chagrin.

I promise this blog is about motherhood and not just about my daughter.

I wonder at women who have more than one child, how do you do it? How do you watch as their hearts break times 2, or 3 or...? and their dreams seem so far away. How? I know my Father knew this about me, I know without a doubt He has a plan for Hill far better than mine or hers. I have felt this from the night she was born. And yet I fret. But through everything I wouldn't change a thing because I love who she has become. And I know all of this has made her who she is today. I am grateful for it, this thing called motherhood!

Mom...

The first one is Jamie and Mom at the Kings County Fair back in the 70's. And the 2nd one was just taken by Jamie and those are her children.

Our family has been going through a paticularly sore trial of late, it has actually made us all feel inadequate. My mother has been ill lately and has been in and out of the hospital and the ER. They usually don't find anything wrong with her, but because she is old and has some dementia they don't take her serious either. Her doctor finally referred her to a neurologist and she believes mom may have Lupus. So now she may get some relief from the pain she suffers. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. My daughter has been doing some research and found information about dementia, and we believe she has frontal lob dementia. It is the type where you lose your personality and become combative, which she has become combative to the point of frustration. I know the nurses at St. Agnes would be glad if she never came back, she yells at them and calls them all names, so unlike the mother of my youth. They have even had to have security come to her room. She has ailienated a lot of her family and she accuses my step-father of all sorts of crazy stuff... so every visit you never know what to expect. Yesterday she was crazier then ever when my sister-in-law, Sara, and I were there. Her subject yesterday was one I can't repeat. I am so shocked at who my sweet little mom has become. My younger sister, Jamie, works really long weird hours so she doesn't get to visit as often as the retired sisters do, and the thing is when Jamie calls her she seems to be in normal mode??? Sara and I get crazy and Jamie gets normal?? Is it because we are there more? or is it just us who bring out the worst in her??? I have no answers and I just wanted to post to remind myself of who my mother was, and not what the disease has done to her.

I choose eternal happiness!!!

George Albert Smith said, “I sometimes have said to my friends when they seemed to be at the crossroads, uncertain as to which way they wanted to go, ‘Today is the beginning of eternal happiness or eternal disappointment for you.’”

President Smith testified of these truths at the funeral services of Hyrum G. Smith, Patriarch to the Church, who had passed away at a relatively young age, leaving behind his wife and eight children:

“I have felt, since I was asked to speak at this funeral, that perhaps I would not be able to do so. My emotions have been stirred, and I have found myself incapable of controlling them, but since I came into this building a beautiful, sweet influence of peace has come into my soul. …

“Instead of mourning I feel to thank our Father in heaven for the Gospel of His Beloved Son that has been revealed anew in our day. … To know that life is eternal is a wonderful blessing,—to know that throughout eternity the blessings that this good man has lived for will be his. His mortal life has been terminated but this is only part of eternal life. He has laid the foundation deep and secure upon which he has built and will continue to build throughout eternity. The joy that he has experienced here upon earth will be added upon. …

“As I think of the experiences of people in the world, on occasions of this kind, I marvel how we have been blessed. I have no more doubt about eternal life and the immortality of the soul than I have that the sun shines at midday. … It is a sad thing to part with our dear ones, even temporarily. We send them upon missions, or they go to other parts of the world to live and we miss them. When an occasion like this occurs it seems that they are more distant, but as a matter of fact they are not, if we but understood. … Instead of extending the condolence that sometimes might go to those who are bereaved, I feel more like rejoicing this day that I know that this is not the end. …

“… So today, as I stand in your presence, when perhaps tears should be flowing, my soul is filled with comfort and satisfaction. I pray that that comfort may be in the lives of each of those who are bereaved.”