Motherhood is my greatest calling ever...

In November of 1986, when I was 11 months pregnant, yes I said 11 months pregnant, the doctor decided finally to take Hillary through C section. Because I had an infection they had held off taking her until it was in check. The night she was born they told me I would probably die that night. They were right I did... I met the Savior that night and was given the chance to come back and raise Hillary. As the nurses and doctors were shoving tubes and needles every were in a frantic rush to save my life, I remember the last thing I said, "I thank you Father for my life". A nurse close to me said, "What did she say"?...

The doctors were so sure she was going to be ill they had a doctor from Valley Childrens Hospital in the delivery room and a helicopter on the roof waiting to transport her at birth!! However, when she was delivered, she was pink and beautiful and screaming to beat the band!! The doctor who was waiting was so thrilled she wasn't ill he took her and cleaned her up and did all of the new born tests himself. The nurses said he wouldn't give her up.

I felt compelled to write this down today. In this blog on my journey through motherhood.

Over the last 25 years our lives have been a roller coaster of joys and trials, some worse than others. She has amazed me with her intellect, she read on her own at age 3. She became my hero when at 12 she had major surgery on her spine and walked out of the hospital 6 days later having only taken one dose of pain medicine after the surgery. She became my life line when at age 11 she was my nurse for 13 months, having to pack my open wound from surgery twice a day. She is truly the kindest person I know, she has always counseled all of her friends calling them all "sweetie", and never has said anything unkind to or about another person.

We had a particularly sore trial when she was 19, we found out she had a sister who was 5 months older than her. It was the only time in her life she was lost... Hill hates lies, so much so she stomped her foot in front of me at age 6 for over an hour wanting to know if Santa was real... When she found out about her dad's child with another woman she felt like her whole life had been a lie. For a short time she was someone I didn't know. But the Lord placed some amazing people in her life and they loved her unconditionally. Most importantly she had an amazing Bishop who loved her and believed in her.

After that time she became even stronger. She is the strongest woman I know, she can take anything and has. I'm not saying she does it on her own, because she does not, she does it by spending lots of time on her knees in supplication to her Father in Heaven. She served a valiant mission in Mesa Arizona Spanish speaking, and she loves the people of AZ so much.

After her mission we have had many more sore trials but I won't list them here, anyone reading this blog already knows what they are, because I'm not shy about sharing my life with anyone. Smile. Much to Hill's chagrin.

I promise this blog is about motherhood and not just about my daughter.

I wonder at women who have more than one child, how do you do it? How do you watch as their hearts break times 2, or 3 or...? and their dreams seem so far away. How? I know my Father knew this about me, I know without a doubt He has a plan for Hill far better than mine or hers. I have felt this from the night she was born. And yet I fret. But through everything I wouldn't change a thing because I love who she has become. And I know all of this has made her who she is today. I am grateful for it, this thing called motherhood!

Mom...

The first one is Jamie and Mom at the Kings County Fair back in the 70's. And the 2nd one was just taken by Jamie and those are her children.

Our family has been going through a paticularly sore trial of late, it has actually made us all feel inadequate. My mother has been ill lately and has been in and out of the hospital and the ER. They usually don't find anything wrong with her, but because she is old and has some dementia they don't take her serious either. Her doctor finally referred her to a neurologist and she believes mom may have Lupus. So now she may get some relief from the pain she suffers. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. My daughter has been doing some research and found information about dementia, and we believe she has frontal lob dementia. It is the type where you lose your personality and become combative, which she has become combative to the point of frustration. I know the nurses at St. Agnes would be glad if she never came back, she yells at them and calls them all names, so unlike the mother of my youth. They have even had to have security come to her room. She has ailienated a lot of her family and she accuses my step-father of all sorts of crazy stuff... so every visit you never know what to expect. Yesterday she was crazier then ever when my sister-in-law, Sara, and I were there. Her subject yesterday was one I can't repeat. I am so shocked at who my sweet little mom has become. My younger sister, Jamie, works really long weird hours so she doesn't get to visit as often as the retired sisters do, and the thing is when Jamie calls her she seems to be in normal mode??? Sara and I get crazy and Jamie gets normal?? Is it because we are there more? or is it just us who bring out the worst in her??? I have no answers and I just wanted to post to remind myself of who my mother was, and not what the disease has done to her.

I choose eternal happiness!!!

George Albert Smith said, “I sometimes have said to my friends when they seemed to be at the crossroads, uncertain as to which way they wanted to go, ‘Today is the beginning of eternal happiness or eternal disappointment for you.’”

President Smith testified of these truths at the funeral services of Hyrum G. Smith, Patriarch to the Church, who had passed away at a relatively young age, leaving behind his wife and eight children:

“I have felt, since I was asked to speak at this funeral, that perhaps I would not be able to do so. My emotions have been stirred, and I have found myself incapable of controlling them, but since I came into this building a beautiful, sweet influence of peace has come into my soul. …

“Instead of mourning I feel to thank our Father in heaven for the Gospel of His Beloved Son that has been revealed anew in our day. … To know that life is eternal is a wonderful blessing,—to know that throughout eternity the blessings that this good man has lived for will be his. His mortal life has been terminated but this is only part of eternal life. He has laid the foundation deep and secure upon which he has built and will continue to build throughout eternity. The joy that he has experienced here upon earth will be added upon. …

“As I think of the experiences of people in the world, on occasions of this kind, I marvel how we have been blessed. I have no more doubt about eternal life and the immortality of the soul than I have that the sun shines at midday. … It is a sad thing to part with our dear ones, even temporarily. We send them upon missions, or they go to other parts of the world to live and we miss them. When an occasion like this occurs it seems that they are more distant, but as a matter of fact they are not, if we but understood. … Instead of extending the condolence that sometimes might go to those who are bereaved, I feel more like rejoicing this day that I know that this is not the end. …

“… So today, as I stand in your presence, when perhaps tears should be flowing, my soul is filled with comfort and satisfaction. I pray that that comfort may be in the lives of each of those who are bereaved.”

Our eternal success story!!

"If ever you are tempted to become discouraged or to lose faith, remember those faithful Saints who remained true in Kirtland. Hold on a little longer. You can do this! You are part of a special generation. You were prepared and preserved to live at this important time in the existence of our beautiful planet earth. You have a celestial pedigree and therefore have all the necessary talents to make your life an eternal success story." --President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Boys and my heart...

As long as I can remember I have had a soft spot for boys. I feel like they are mis-understood. I see young teenage boys walking down the street, and they almost always are staring at the ground. They look so dejected... my heart breaks for them. I actually want to get out and give them a hug. I don't because in today's world I would not be understood. The idea of affection would probably be shunned as boys are supposed to be tough. Sometimes I see boys who are way to young to be walking alone scuffing along with a backpack bigger than themselves strapped to their backs. It always tears at my heart strings and I wonder what I can do to help them. I always say out loud, "Where is your mother"?

So now to the reason I am on this diatribe, I am in the office today, some may know this means Panera since I retired, and in front of me is a young mother sitting with her young 6 year old son. I am trying not the eavesdrop but she is very close and not quiet. She is waiting for someone. She is totally unaffectionate to her son, when he tries to hug her she pushes him away, and constantly corrects him for behavior I thinks is normal. He is simply trying to engage her in conversation?? I am feeling sad that maybe I did some of the same to my own daughter? I want to tell her to enjoy him while he wants to be around you, and many other old woman insights... but I don't. I realize she is probably doing the best she can, and is overwhelmed. We have all been there. Parenting is a huge responsibility, and children don't come with instructions. It is always easier from the outside to see what needs to be done, so I bite my tongue and pray for them.

When her company arrives it is her sister and her boyfriend, through overheard conversation I realize she is very young and a single mom. Her son tells the aunt how his mother cries a lot, and then he said, "When she cries, I cry back"... his mother is embarrassed and they have a conversation about crying and everyone cries sometimes. There is much more private conversation I hear and am broken hearted by, but the worst point for me is how she tells her son, "I cannot be your entertainment, I will not entertain you, I am in school and have a project due, and I'm going to school so I can earn money because I have none." My heart just dropped... she has no idea how she has just told him that money and school are more important than he is to her... I know earning a living is important but as prophets have stated, "no success in business will ever compensate for failure in the home."

I will not say I have never had a day when I was discouraged or overwhelmed myself, and it is the reason I so wish I could have shared with that young mom what I saw from the outdside looking in, but I wonder if I would have listened myself back when Hill was young and I was doing something in a way that was not in line with gospel principles...

The following quote from President Joseph F. Smith states it pretty clearly, and it is for girls as well.. :)

“We should never be discouraged in those daily tasks which God has ordained to the common lot of man. Each day’s labor should be undertaken in a joyous spirit and with the thought and conviction that our happiness and eternal welfare depend upon doing well that which we ought to do, that which God has made it our duty to do.”

President Smith applied that principle to parenting as follows:

“After all, to do well those things which God ordained to be the common lot of all man-kind, is the truest greatness. To be a successful father or a successful mother is greater than to be a successful general or a successful statesman.”

Success in an occupation—even a lofty one—is only temporary, President Smith concluded, whereas success as a parent is “universal and eternal greatness.” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 285.)

A Little Daughter JOY...

I love that Hill has a job she loves, and I love having lunch with her at Whole Foods!! What joy she brings to my life !! :)

Valentine JOY...

Look what showed up at my door early Valentine day!! Thank you Stef for the goodies and to the kiddos for our valentine cards!! It is nice to be remembered on this day even if you don't have a Sweetheart!! lol